Oh!
Bazooka Joe...
You're an imbecile!
Good Morning.
Dr. Albright!
Arggh!
I am about to reveal...
Something astounding.
I think you're overestimating yourself.
Behold...
An atm card.
Oh.
Congratulations.
You're now a member
of a very elite group of 2... 300 million Americans.
My name is raised. You can touch it.
Uh, no...
Thanks.
When I press it into my forehead...
You can read my name backwards.
Pace yourself.
We have a whole semester.
Nina, did I show you my new a... yes.
And, no, I don't want to feel it.
I have a great idea.
Why don't I use my new atm card to withdraw money
from one of many convenient locations...
Even after business hours...
And take you out to dinner tomorrow night?
All right.
Really?
Yes.
You do understand it's... Dinner?
Out?
Yes.
But not just dinner out of the house.
Dinner out of the car.
Well, out it is.
All I have to do is put this into the atm,
punch in my secret code... 1234...
Oh, no!
I wasn't supposed to reveal that code to anyone!
Now you'll have to kill us.
Oh!
[Rock music plays]
That was the mall. Wasn't it great?
How would I know?
The escalator broke down,
and I was stuck there for 1 1/2 hours.
I think the entire planet
should be covered by one big roof.
And we should never be more than 15 feet
from a weenie on a stick.
Tommy, look what I bought.
A basketball?
You should join your school's team.
Why?
Because it's important you experience
the humiliation of adolescent boys
at the hands of bitter adults
trying to rewrite the failures of their youth.
It'll be fun.
All right.
Who ripped the radio from the dashboard?
What are you talking about?
The radio. It's gone.
Wait a minute.
I know what's happened here.
You see it all the time on the news.
Oh, uh...
Toupees!
No. Crime.
We're victims of crime.
What'll we do now?
I think we all know what we have to do.
* doh doh doh
* another one bites the dust *
* sss sss
* bom bom bom
* another one bites the dust *
* and another one's gone
* and another one bites the dust *
* hey
I can't believe Dick did this to me.
Why do I have to play basketball?
I know, and team sports are so infantile.
It's all masculine posturing,
all that preening and flexing.
Exactly.
What I really hate
is that there's some primitive part of me
that really responds to that.
And what I really hate is being cursed
with the heart of a champion.
What is Harry doing?
It's part of my new security procedures.
Ooh. Red alert.
[High-pitched alarm]
There's a squirrel approaching the building.
This seems a bit extreme, lieutenant.
With all due respect, high commander, butt out.
Security's my domain.
I'll take the blame for the radio.
Oh, please...
I should have been guarding the rambler
instead of shopping for loofahs.
You're overreacting.
Dick, this planet is in a bad neighborhood.
[Sighs]
We have been on far worse planets than this,
inhabited by creatures with far worse breath.
At least we're on a planet that's governed by laws.
You're too distrustful of humans.
It's those two little eyes
right in the middle of their head.
Makes them all look like they're up to something.
Knock, knock...
[alarm]
Hi. I heard about your car radio.
Did you call the cops?
I don't think that's necessary.
Go down to the station and ask for officer Franco.
An Italian gentleman. Very nice.
Came right over when my boyfriend got beat up in my house.
Your boyfriend got beat up in your own house?
Yeah. My husband didn't care for him.
Oh.
Wow!
[Sniffs]
I smell the fist of justice.
I smell doughnuts.
Hmm.
Can't you feel it, Harry...
The stifling sense of order,
the discipline,
the almost robotic lack of emotion,
the fluorescent lights?
God help me...
[Breathes deeply]
I love it!
What can I do for you?
Just let me be near you.
O.k.
My name's officer Don.
Well, officer Don, we're here to report a crime.
I blame myself. I dropped my guard.
It's not your fault.
Crime happens.
Rutherford may look like small-town America,
but just beneath the well-manicured lawns
lies a hotbed of criminal activity.
We may be in the shadow of Cleveland,
but it's in the shadows where evil lurks.
Wow.
Hey, when you do this...
It sort of looks like NYPD blue, huh?
Huh?
Ahh! NYPD blue, huh?
What happened?
The radio was stolen from our rambler.
A.M... with those push buttons?
Yes.
Those sick bastards!
Fill out this form.
Form? Then what happens?
I make a copy of it.
And then?
Then on Thursday, a girl comes in and files it.
Paperwork.
If I had my way, I'd be out there,
putting the rats back in their holes.
If I had a gun like that,
I wouldn't be sitting behind a desk
until I ran out of bullets.
Hi.
So, uh, what are you here for?
They picked me up for vagrancy,
but that's not the real reason.
I'm here because they know
I'm from the planet clarion
in the Bart spiral
in the ceefius drakeland... Border.
Do you know Steve?
Dear lord...
If it be within your great wisdom and mercy,
please Grant us the strength and courage
to beat the hell out of the central high muskrats.
Excuse me, coach.
We're praying, Solomon.
Should we be bothering god over a basketball game?
Well, this is important.
But the other team's praying, too.
So, our god is stronger than their god?
There's only one god, Solomon.
Am I the only one seeing a conflict of interest?
Yes!
All right! Out on the court! Let's go!
Hustle it out there! Get out there!
Coach, what about me?
Sorry, Solomon, you're not tall enough.
What are you saying?
You're too damn short!
Look out!
Oh!
Why, yes, I will have another transaction.
And this time in...
Español.
I'll be done shortly.
I want to see what my limit is.
Take your time.
I put the card in and money comes out.
Card in, money out.
Oh! As much as I want over and over again. Isn't it amazing?
Yeah. Now give it to me.
Uh, no. This is my money.
But I'm sure you can have your own card...
Quit fooling around. Hand it over.
Let me explain this to you again.
This $300 is mine,
just like the 100 I put in my wallet.
Yeow.
Whoa.
This is all my fault.
What was I thinking, letting you go out by yourself?
A man who steals a wallet is capable of anything.
He could have put you in a vat of saline
and harvested your organs for months,
forcing you to regenerate kidney after kidney!
Oh, stop!
Just relax and calm down.
How can I calm down?
I feel so utterly exposed and vulnerable...
And not in that fun, spanky way.
O.k. you're safe now.
What kind of place is this
where you can't wave money around in the middle of the night?
Did this guy have any distinguishing marks?
His skin was rather nice.
Well, I can see that you're pretty upset,
so I'll give my home phone number
to your sister.
Call if you have any...
Needs.
Oh.
Why did this have to happen?
It was late.
Why was I there taking out that money?
Don't blame yourself.
I don't. I blame you! What?
You agreed to go out with me.
Why'd you pick now to say yes?
I don't know.
See? You weren't thinking.
You can't take a random act,
turn it around, and blame an innocent person.
Just watch me!
Why'd I think tonight would be different?
You're insane!
The world's insane!
They talk about the universe being random.
This place is random!
I'm leaving!
People assaulting total strangers
for no other reason than to take their money!
That's right! Run away!
Sooner or later, you'll have to face the fact
that the earth is a cold, dark, and evil place,
crawling with crazed ne'er-do-Wells
and larcenous jackanapes!
Well, I don't l-l-like it!
Lieutenant!
Yes, sir!
This planet has crossed the line.
Assemble the giant robot.
We didn't pack it.
We didn't? Why not?
I wanted to, but you needed room for your exercise bike,
which, I might add, you never use.
The strength of the refracted light...
Varies...
In accordance with its velocity,
as measured in light years...
Uh, Dr. Solomon...
What is it, Leon?
Why are you writing like that?
Because we live in a world where as soon as you turn around
someone's waiting to stab you in the back
and steal your wallet.
You have to have more faith in people.
I think that, deep down, there's a basic decency.
Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah.
Your chirpy optimism has no place in reality.
Guess what.
Santa claus is dead!
Beaten senseless for his shiny black boots.
And his reindeer don't give a damn!
[Bell rings]
You know, Dr. Solomon,
you seem to be carrying around so much baggage.
You're not getting any of it,
so get away from me!
Let's get this straight.
I don't care how much it costs or how difficult it is.
I want a security system that will guarantee
that our lives will be filled
with absolute safety and contentment.
That would be the electrofort 2000.
The alarm connects directly to our command center downtown,
where we immediately dispatch
trained patrolmen to your door.
I just have one question.
Sure.
Where do I bury my family
after the burglars have pumped bullets into their skulls
while your guys are strolling over?
That almost never happens.
Tommy should be here.
He's in the driveway, playing one-on-one.
Tommy, I'm sorry. I didn't know I'd be that good.
I've never played before.
Your company's obviously run by amateurs.
This is totally unsatisfactory.
Allow me to show you a few schematics
that, uh, I drew up.
Now... the giant swinging blade
would fall from here...
Steel spikes plunge into the burglar's eyes here...
And the conveyer belt drops the carcass
into the tank of great white sharks here...
Here...
And here.
It'll work.
Now, that's a plan.
Now, let's go, girls!
Coach? What?
We're up 40 points with 2 minutes to go.
Put me in. I won't touch anything.
I'll just stand there.
No!
Come on, coach!
My girlfriend's watching.
This isn't just my chance.
This is your chance to be remembered
as the beloved coach strickland
and not as coach suckland.
That wasn't mine.
[Blows whistle]
O.k., Solomon, enough.
I'll put you in. Just shut up.
Thanks, coach.
Know what player Hansen is?
The guy whose neck's thicker than my waist?
That's him.
Stop him from driving the Lane.
Good job.
[Blows whistle]
[Thud]
[Bystanders] oh!
Good morning.
How are you feeling?
Wired, thank you.
My entire house is wired for security.
And I'm getting a car alarm.
Oh, good.
Now all you need is an armed guard
to walk you from the house to the car.
What a good idea.
A big, scary one. I could hire a criminal.
They're taking my money anyway.
Why not give it to them hourly?
All right. Stop. Now you are a victim.
You have lost all trust in humanity.
Do you actually believe that you can trust people?
Yes, I do.
Really?
Do you trust me?
Of course I do.
And why not? You work with me.
You know that I care about you.
If you can't trust me,
you can't trust anyone.
Do you trust me? Huh? Huh?
Dr. sol...
The...
Police called. They have your mugger.
They what?
They have your mugger.
You have to go and identify him.
You've got to confront him.
N-n-n-no, no.
It's the only way to reassert control over your life.
You'll feel better, believe me.
Well... will you go with me?
Yes...
But first, there's one thing I really have to do.
O.k...
Let's go.
I'll get the car.
You know, I'm real proud of you.
For the way I slipped in and out of consciousness?
No. For the way you were unashamed
to show how nonathletic you are.
I've been trying to do everything you think I should.
But it's not working.
And I'm sorry if this redefines the parameters
of our relationship.
But you're going to have to accept me
for who I am, regardless if I'm short
or lousy at basketball or whatever!
I kind of like it when you're assertive like this.
You do?
But not all the time.
Well, how often should I be assertive?
If I told you that...
Right, right.
I'll figure it out.
Is now a good time?
Sure.
Come on.
O.k.
O.k., Mr. Solomon, time to finger your perp.
Believe me, I've tried,
but she just won't let me.
No. We need you to I.D. Your assailant.
I didn't really get a good look at him.
It was dark and... It happened so quick.
You!
Voilä!
You owe me $400!
You... yah!
That's a positive I.D.
Take his cuffs off! Take 'em off!
I want a fair fight!
Rusty!
Oh...
And by the way, mugger boy,
your skin's not nearly as creamy
as you'd like people to think!
Dr. Albright...
Thank you. You were right.
All I had to do was confront him.
And beat him senseless?
Oh, no, no, no. That was pure gravy.
Oh.
You know, we never had that dinner.
Care to join me?
Hmm, no. Not tonight.
I'm going to do something
that I haven't done for quite a while...
Sleep.
Of course, you're welcome to join me if you like.
I'll pass.
Hmm.
Just being polite.
So, Don...
When are you going to torture him?
No. He still has to go to trial.
You'll torture him at the trial?
We don't work that way.
Everyone has equal rights.
That's the law.
Oh, Don...
I thought I knew you...
But we come from different worlds.
No, we don't.
You come from a place filled with laws and rights
and fair trials.
I come from a place where the wind blows cold
and the only thing you can count on
is that you can't count on anything.
You're from Chicago?
Goodbye, Don.
It's too bad.
We could have been great.
Ugh.
Sally, you've got me all wrong.
They brought me up on brutality charges.
There's a video!
We should transfer $500 from our money market account
to our checking account.
We don't have a money market account.
Shh.
It doesn't know that.
I'm proud of us for coming here tonight.
Dr. Albright said a very wise thing.
She said, "if you let fear drive you into hiding",
then the criminals have won."
Dick, there's someone behind us.
What do they look like?
75, female, very frail.
What do we do lieutenant?
Knock her down and run for the car,
what about the money?
We don't have time. Go!
Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahhh!